This post was originally written on this day two years ago on my old blog. It’s words are still very relevant so I decided to republish with a few amendments. I hope that today is an ok day for as many of you as possible.
“So today is October 10th. “Mental Health Awareness Day”
The day when people rally behind the cause of mental health. The day when people make posts about their stories, share inspirational quotes and tell people “it’s ok not to be ok”.
You’d think given my history, my experience running online support groups, my hopes and dreams of raising money and creating initiatives which will help people who suffer from these very problems, my constant openness and frankness across all platforms of social media that I use…you’d think I’d be at the forefront. You’d think I’d have made plans for today (I had), have my posts and encouragement and particular brand of sass ready and waiting to spread the word, to tell people, nay SHOW people, that you have nothing to fear and you should never be ashamed, you should be loud and proud and fuck what anyone else says!
You’d think so, right?
Wrong.
Because the thing is with mental health…you don’t get to pick which days you’re feeling strong. You don’t get to choose when you are able to shake it off and be there for everyone else. I pride myself on going above and beyond for the people in my group whenever I can. I’m the queen of “my inbox is ALWAYS open if you need a chat”.
But today, I am no queen. I am that thing lurking in the dark dungeon beneath the castle. I am grouchy and snappy with my family. I am the mum with no patience because I’m trying so hard not to scream at myself let alone anyone else. I am the wife who wants nothing more than to hide in bed and cry all day for absolutely no tangible reason other than it’s all I can do, yet I worry my husband will think it’s somehow his fault…so I drown in conflicting guilt and anger. I am the make-up free, scruffy mess who holds a middle finger up to the world while wearing a “Mr Happy” t-shirt as some attempt at ironic humour. I am my worst…
Yet…
It is at my worst that I may be able to do my best. We all have bad days. It’s not just “ok to not be ok”. It’s also “ok to not be ok with the fact you’re NOT ok!” I can show you myself at my worst, and maybe someone out there can identify with that. Maybe they can see themselves in me at my lowest, and therefore realise that there will also be days when you CAN be a queen (or king, or gender neutral badass, whatever floats your boat). You will also have days when you can help others. There will be days when you dare to hope that one day you can reach for the sky and actually find out you’re already among the stars. Maybe you’ll rock a killer hair cut or be pleased with something you made and did. Maybe you’ll post some artwork or a project you’ve completed and get so much love for it you’ll almost cry. Maybe you’ll make someone laugh, or feel warm, welcome, or loved.
Maybe you’ll get a message from someone you don’t even know saying they see you being open and honest and it helps them to be ok.
So on this day of awareness, I give you maybe my most “aware” post to date. Have a bad day. Scream, shout, be a grumpy pain the arse and try not to be too hard on yourself. Just try not to forget those days when you felt ok. Bad days come, but they also go. The guilt that comes from having a bad day is one of the most evil parts of mental illness. It makes you feel like shit and then makes you feel bad for feeling like shit in the first place. Like it’s your fault. Like you’re broken. “Why can’t I just be happier??” I can’t answer that. What I can do is show you a bad day. In all its broken, painful, messy glory and then sometime soon you’ll see me have a good day. You’ll see me being positive and sharing some make-up or creative stuff that I’ve done. Or you’ll see me on social media buzzing with ideas on how to help people. Or back on my soapbox being that uppity social justice warrior you all know and (maybe) love. Then maybe you’ll remember that next time you’re feeling like I do today…it will get better. It can always get better. Don’t give up. The good days are worth it I promise.
Stay Shiny Warriors xxx”
#mentalhealthawareness
Scarlet Letters 